Out of Excuses!

"Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 
Had as much of you as I can take. 
I've gone through the motions, 
I've been back and forth. 
I know that you're thinking you heard this before. 
I don't know how to say it, 
so I'm just gonna say it......
Fear you don't own me..."
(Excerpt from The Breakup Song,performed by 
Francesca Battistelli. 
Bart Millard/David Garcia/Franceseca Battistelli)

Fear is a thief; robs you of the very essence of who you were born to be…IF YOU GIVE IN TO IT!! Fear is a liar! It whispers to you that you won’t make it, that you are nothing, that what you have is all you will ever have, that YOU WILL FAIL. Fear is paralyzing! It keeps you stuck in a pattern of wanting to move forward, but standing still so long the world passes you by, leaving you to feel you’ve moved backwards. Fear is damaging-physically, mentally and spiritually! Try sleeping on the couch for 10 years, afraid to sleep too far from your front door-in constant fear of an unwanted, harassing intruder, mixed with memories of bedroom trauma. Fear keeps you from experiencing moments of pure joy, satisfaction and purpose, because of a panic sense that something will go wrong. Eventually you’re denying self of living on purpose with purpose.

I am 44 years young, and I confess to living in fear much of my life. Afraid to speak up as a child for the inappropriate style of play happening on the playground–Afraid to follow my love for theatre in high school, because I thought I’d be laughed at or couldn’t make it(praise the Lord that type of thinking was not passed down to my film, theatre, drama, arts loving kids)–Afraid to speak up and fight against the emotional, and physical abuse during a relationship–A contributing factor to all of this, fear of living as my authentic, unmasked, free self! Considering I was afraid of MYself, being different, standing out and standing for what I felt was right for me, I settled in many areas. Allowing mistreatment and manipulation, with a crippling fear of following the dreams and vision for my life, became downright suffocating. I’ve just about had enough, because fear aside, it’s disobedience to what God has called me to do, and there is no joy in living contrary to how you were created to be.

In 2009, while being verbally abused, I heard God speak His vision into my heart.(I may not have totally understood that at the time) In 2018, I gained some understanding as to what the vision was really about. There’s been ups and downs, back and not enough forth in between those years. This year, He called me out by name, to remind me He still sees me, and that vision has not died. It may sound cliche’,but there is purpose in the pain. Even in recent weeks, as I’m navigating familiar territory of heartbreak and self doubt, I can clearly see the good to come out of it . Someone is hurting far worse than me, who needs to know, you will get through this; your life is not over; there is better for you; God loves you and is pursuing you. But if I continue to walk a lie of fear, how does that person in my reach of influence get the message? Pain pushes us closer to Him, and He’s ready to embrace if you’re just open to receive.

I am absolutely tired of living this way! It’s not part of my design. We have an assignment, and it has almost destroyed me at times to not walk in mine. I refuse to be wasted space any longer. I refuse to be bound by others opinions and expectations any longer. I refuse to hold my head down and doubt my worth any longer, and somebody out here needs to hear how they to can put the fear, self doubt, hurts, pains, internal suffering behind them and walk into all God has for them. Please watch this short video that has helped me gain clarity for part of my life’s purpose and stay tuned for messages to follow that I pray will be a life changing blessing for someone.

Because Tomorrow May Never Come…..

I actually do love Pink Diamond Butterfly.  I really do believe it is a part of God’s plan and purpose for my life.  My inconsistency may cause it to appear otherwise, but there was a reason for that.  In May, I had the opportunity to stand before many and give my testimony, again, but this time….I was more transparent than I had ever been, or ever had the boldness to be.  The words I spoke, just may have set someone free, or even saved someone’s life. I don’t say that to put a high value on myself or my testimony, but God put me on that stage, that day, to share because IT WAS AND IS THE TIME!  He put me there for such a time as this, because when it comes to saving a soul, tomorrow could be too late.

I couldn’t dedicate myself to writing, and doing all I felt led to do, because I was not as free as I wanted.  There was still an unbroken chain, but the idea of being bound up any longer was ticking me off. Growing in Christ, following my dreams, building a better life just seemed impossible with a secret locked away for the majority of my life.  That all changed in April when I said it out loud for the first time in 38 years. Why was I so back and forth and scattered?….well, here is a little of it, a little of the testimony, the root cause of it all:
Continue reading